The Epically Epic Cullen Family Roadtrip
by kalyzio
Summary: Trust me, Emmett said, he'll love it. Edward looked dubiously at the gift. I BECAME A VAMPIRE AND ALL I GOT WAS FRICKING COMPASSION...AND THIS DUMB SHIRT. Emmett convinces the family to go on a road trip to Ohio. Disaster ensues.


**1. Denali, Alaska**

In retrospect, Edward should have realized that this was another of Emmett's idiotic ideas. Emmett could be very convincing when he wanted, and more often than not, Edward found himself being dragged into one scheme or another.

"I don't understand why he always brings _me_ into it," he once complained to Alice.

She had smirked at him. "It's because I see how stupid his ideas will end up."

"Well on an intellectual level, I _know_ how stupid his ideas will be."

She had patted his shoulder sympathetically. "Then what does that say about you, Edward?" she had said, almost sadly, her eyes big, innocent, and doe-like in a way that absolutely fooled no one.

He preferred not to think about the answer to that question - and he definitely preferred to ignore her thoughts about the answer.

So when Emmett had barged into his room and said, "Stop that racket, Edward, I have an idea," Edward hadn't done the reasonable thing and told him to take his great idea and stuff it where the sun didn't shine. No, he had instead stilled his fingers on the ivory keys and said, "Enlighten me."

Stupid words. Stupid, regrettable words.

"We should go on a road trip."

"A road trip?"

"Car, miles of interstate, crazy stops," Emmett twirled his finger, "Y'know."

"I am familiar with the concept," Edward said, exasperated, "But don't you think it would be a foolish idea? Do you remember a miniscule, irrelevant detail called…_we can't go out in the sun?_"

"Not a problem."

"Oh?"

"Trust me, Ed," Emmett said, "I've got it figured out."

"Don't call me Ed," Edward said automatically, even though he knew the request was utterly futile, "And that is a terrible, terrible idea. Carlisle will never approve."

Emmett grinned at him. "I'll do you one better. He'll come along."

"He'll come along?"

"You've really got to knock off the habit of repeating everything I'm saying," Emmett said, "And I'll make you a deal. If Carlisle agrees to come, then you come too."

"He'll never agree."

"Are you taking my bet, baby bro?"

"I am _older_ than you, Emmett."

Emmett dismissed the logical notion with a wave of his hand. "Is it a bet?"

Secure in the knowledge that Carlisle would never risk exposure in such a way, Edward nodded. "It's a bet."

Little did he know how much he would come to regret those words.

* * *

Esme was tending to her parsnip plants when Emmett found her.

"Disgusting," he said, "Please don't tell me we'll have to eat those."

"Very funny, Emmett," she said dryly, setting down her trowel and turning to grace her son with a fond smile, "Can I help you?"

"Do you ever miss Ohio?"

At the sound of her home state, Esme felt a rush of emotion. Her first thought was a resounding _no_, of course she didn't miss that hellhole! The memory of her husband, with his big fists and drunken breath, and her baby, her precious baby with her cherubic face and smidge of dark hair, was still sharp and painful.

But if she was truly honest with herself, she missed Ohio - hot, muggy, wonderful Ohio - dearly. In her mind, she could still see clearly the gentle, rolling landscape, the lush maple and hickory trees of her childhood. Ohio was where she had been forced into marriage with her abusive husband and where she had lost her baby, but Ohio was also where she had met Carlisle, where she had grown up with her family of seven brothers, and memories of stickball and climbing trees and skipping stones.

"You haven't been back in nearly one hundred years," Emmett said gently.

Esme closed her eyes painfully.

"I'm sorry."

She opened her eyes and looked at her son. He came forward, taking her hands in his own - solid, reassuring strength. "I didn't mean to cause you pain. I just think that you should visit."

"Emmett…no…" she was not strong enough to confront the demons of her past. There were wounds, wounds that even a hundred years hadn't healed.

"Carlisle will be with you. We'll _all _be with you."

Would they? Esme had always drawn strength from her family. Perhaps they could be the ones to help her fight her past, to finally completely put her past life behind her.

"You could visit your baby's grave."

Esme felt a lump in her throat as she looked down at Emmett's hands, so strong and large, almost enough to fight the ghost of her baby in her arms. "Yes," she said, softly, "yes, I would like that very much."

He patted her hands. "Don't worry about a thing, Mom," he promised, "I'll arrange all the details."

* * *

Carlisle was perusing medical journals in his study when his senses detected Emmett's presence at his door. He waited patiently for the knock, but after several seconds dragged on, he cleared his throat and said, "Please come in."

Emmett entered, a big smile on his face, a bouquet of purple lilies in his hand. "Hi, Carlisle."

Carlisle's brow wrinkled in confusion. "Good evening, Emmett," he said, guardedly.

His son set the flowers on his desk as he took a seat. "No, they're not for you," he said, "I think you should give these to Mom."

"I haven't done anything." Faintly alarmed, Carlisle began running through the day's events in his mind, trying to determine if he could have somehow inadvertently wronged her.

Emmett rolled his eyes. "You're such a terrible romantic. You can give her flowers for no reason, you know."

Carlisle's suspicions rose at the only too innocent expression on his son's face. "Besides the romantic advice, I presume there is a reason you are here."

"You're taking Mom to Ohio for a vacation. The whole family's gonna go too."

Ohio? Where had this come from?

Perhaps seeing the perplexed look on his face, Emmett clarified, "I was talking to Mom this afternoon. She misses Ohio; hasn't been back in nearly a century. I think it would do her good to visit."

He pursed his lips. "Is that a wise idea, Emmett? She may find that the area has changed from her memory. I would not want for her to be disappointed."

"Look, there's things in Ohio that continue to haunt her, and I think she should face them. When better than when all of us are around to support her? Besides," Emmett grinned, "We'll have fun."

"This is to be a fun affair?"

"Oh yeah. We're going to road trip there."

Carlisle's confusion increased. What was the sense in driving there, when flying was certainly faster?

"It's about the journey, not the destination, Dad. You know we need a family vacation."

"We have never taken a family vacation."

"Then we're due for one!" Emmett leaned forward on his elbows, his eyes big and pleading. "It will make Mom happy. I'm sure it will."

He groaned inwardly. The kids had long learned that Esme's happiness was his one definite vulnerability, and though Carlisle was sure he was being manipulated, he could not help capitulating. "We will need to take precautions," he began.

"But you'll go? You'll go on the road trip?"

Carlisle sighed deeply. "I will go on the road trip."

Emmett's grin widened. "Great! I'll go plan it right now!" He leapt up from his seat, and just then Carlisle caught a flash of something silver.

"Emmett," he said.

His son turned around.

"Is that a tape recorder in your hand?"

"Ahh," Emmett blinked at him, all innocence, "Maybe?"

Carlisle decided that perhaps he really didn't want to know.

* * *

Alice was the easiest to convince.

"The answer is no," she said, the second he appeared and struck a pose at her door.

He adopted a look of feigned hurt. "You'd let Mom go through such an ordeal without standing by her side? I'm ashamed to know you, Alice!"

She glared at him. "Don't blackmail me. How'd you convince Rosalie to go, anyhow?"

That had been a nice accomplishment. "It was easy. I just told her that if we went, I'd be willing to do the thing with the handcuffs that she's wanted to do for forever."

"Emmett!" she nearly shrieked, "That's TMI!"

He sensed his opportunity, and pounced on it. "If you don't go, I'll start telling you details."

"Agh!" she threw a book at him, which he caught easily. "I'll go, I'll go!"

"I thought you'd be convinced." He lingered just a second longer in her doorway, relishing the victory. "And Alice…for the record, I was talking about playing cops and robbers."

He dodged the next book, and beat a hasty retreat.

* * *

It offended all his aesthetics senses and masculinity needs, but Emmett rented a minivan - a Toyota Sienna. With seven people on the road trip, it was the only choice.

He had the minivan fully gassed up and ready when his family began trudging out of the house, bags in hand.

Edward groaned when he saw the minivan. "Do you realize what a travesty that is?"

"We're going to be packed like sardines," Jasper said glumly. He had been convinced to come through appealing to his sense of duty (he had to take care of Alice and Esme, right?), but looked none too happy at the moment.

"Well a bus wouldn't be very conspicuous," Emmett defended. "See, I've thought this through."

"I don't know if _thinking_ was actually involved," Edward grumbled.

"Now, now," Carlisle said, already moving to put his and Esme's bags in the back, "We have all agreed to participate in this trip, and Emmett has worked hard to plan it. We may as well make the best of it."

Edward and Jasper exchanged looks. Then: "SHOTGUN!" both declared, and lunged for the passenger seat door. Edward was faster and pulled it open -

- only to reveal Rosalie, bundled in the front with a blanket, pillows, and headphones.

She smirked. "Too late."

"Rosalie," Edward growled, "You are breaking all the rules of shotgun."

"Nope. Whenever he's driving," she jerked a thumb at Emmett, "Then by shotgun rules, as the significant other of the driver, I have the implicit right to shotgun."

Edward's scowl darkened. "I am driving then."

"Can't let you do that, Ed," Emmett said casually, "The rental company's rules. Kids under eighteen can't drive."

"You - " Edward looked like he was about to lunge, and Carlisle swiftly intervened.

"We will discuss fair rotations later. Find yourselves a seating arrangement that works for the time being."

Emmett tuned out his siblings squabbling over the backseat as he fit the key in the ignition and started the car. A pulse of excitement rushed through him as the engines grumbled to life. And then they were off, off on what Emmett was determined to make the most epically epic road trip _of all time_.

**tbc.**


End file.
